Wesley Jeanne!

Hello, once again.

2009-11-19T17:28:00.001-08:00

Haven't posted in forever. Sucks. Senior year's been sucking the bejeesus out of me. No connotations or imageries intended. Though you probably just had one now that I mentioned it. Hah, losers.

Anyways, it's freaking November now, and instead of finishing my damn UC App essay, I'm on blogspot. What the hell. But maybe it's good, because I can take a breather for once & reflect upon all that's happened in the past few months. Being a senior is nice and all, but I HATE COLLEGE APPS. Screw this, I've already got an outline of my future, and nothing's going to stop me unless I choose to stop it myself. For my mains, you already know what that is. (:

But yes. Senior year's started, and already it's been crazier than the years before. Drama, hangouts, crazyass nights just kickin' it, new friends, closer friendships, and those friends that you just drift away from. I'm thankful for my WAM3ND girls this year for keeping me on track, & always being there for me when I need it. Despite all the crazy shit that happens around us, our little "family" is always there for each other. Even though we get into stupid fights all the time haha!

APs have been a drag. AP English, especially. What the hell is the point of it? All they do is give us meaningless busy work. AP Spanish too. Crapload of work. But school's been pretty chill. Just spending time with friends, SENIOR TO-DO LIST! Formal Thanksgiving dinner coming up at Arielle's (: Perfect! After Pledis audition, of course, with Mariel.

I don't really know what the point of this blog was, but it distracted me sufficiently. Purpose served! And by the way, I'm feeling the blues. I miss people. It makes me sad to think that so many things can change as time passes, and that nothing stays the same forever. Which is the exact opposite of me. I like things to stay constant, damnit.

More to update later on? Perhaps. Now I'm going to grab me some food; stomach must be satisfied!

Thank You.

2009-08-03T02:57:00.001-07:00

So I'm now 17. I can watch rated R movies now, yay. Legally. And I've axed my hair. I'm donating 10 inches of it away, oh my. So it's above my shoulder now, length wise? Sigh. No worries. Change was needed. My life has been pretty unproductive recently. Just hanging out, having the worst sleeping schedule ever - it's basically reversed - and not really taking care of myself as usual, since the 'rents are out. But yes, I love my friends, by the way. Lots. ;) Thanks.

And now, recently I can't get him out of my head. Yes, him. The one that I can't stop thinking about, and thus, have to resort to this method to vent it out. E and I are not on good terms right now. Things ended a bit badly last time, and it's my fault, I admit. But really, after all this time. I don't know what I should do. I've never been the one to accept big changes readily, or even little ones at all, for that matter. I tried to stand up firmly for once, and not be a pushover, and I ended up hurting him. Maybe I'd made the right choice. Maybe I'll live to regret this. Nonetheless, he is still a very important person to me, and I will always be here for you, E. In the end, no matter what happens. Maybe things will change for the better. No one knows what the future will hold.

But no, I'm not talking about him this time. It's him again. Him. He won't go away no matter what I do, but now, to be honest, I'm not sure if I want him to anymore. Little things keep building up, time and time again. Whether good or bad, it's a confusing, bewildering type of feeling. R. An embarassing little secret is that all the important men in my life, I'd want my children to bear their names, if I had any in the future. So far, there had been E and J, then E, and now, E and R. I'm not very creative with guys' names, I'm afraid. But R. You really are a mystery guy, aren't you?

You who are like a longtime friend, big brother, and boyfriend all rolled into one. That's pretty amazing of you. Always checking in with me, making sure that I'm not neglecting to feed myself, and such while I'm living alone. You are a gentleman, and though I know you want to act differently, you control yourself because you don't want to force me, and hurt me. I know all of that. You have the most amazing smile, and one with gesture, one simple statement, you could make me feel at ease with the world, and with myself. You accept me as how I am, faults and all. You call me consistently, and are always there for me, to rescue me, my knight-in-shining-armor, even when I don't ask you to.

You even didn't forget my birthday, and with a midnight call, you later came bearing a bouquet of my favorite flowers with a gift. You are always so thoughtful. Even with my hesistation, you know what's in my thoughts. When I felt self-conscious about my haircut, knowing that you liked my long hair, you casually reached over and stroked the side of my face, touching my hair, and with a smile, you told me that it suited me, and you liked it better short. Please stop being so kind to me. I am not the type of person to emotionally invest like this, nor do I deserve you. Before I stumble and waver, stop.

You will always be a special person to me, R. Thank you. I ____ you.

Happy Early Birthday!

2009-07-26T20:31:00.001-07:00

All I want for my birthday:

-- "Happy 17th Birthday, Wesley!" calls, texts, messages, visits.
-- Hangouts with my favorite people!
-- Change. In the form of, say, a new haircut! (:
-- Random, thoughtful things. Mm, homemade? Things that are observed through time & observations, inside jokes, & whatnot. For example, what my favorite drink is, or what my favorite flower is. (:
-- Dad! Car please! Hahaaha! & Hopefully a new phone, because my phone sucks D: But this is just wishful thinking, of course.

That's about it. Just family & friends, that's all I need! Turning 17 in a few hours, what a random & useless age -_- Funny how as you get older, you don't really care about such things anymore. Happy birthday, Wesley Jeanne Leigh Chan! (:

Change.

2009-07-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

Mm, haven't blogged in a while. AP scores came out, passed them. Summer school's come to an end, thank goodness. Managed to get an A in Calc, heckyeah! Don't know how, I really don't. Life's been restless these days. The 'rents are back, so I'm under tighter control. After more than 4 hours at FIDM for my 2nd interview, I got accepted to apply early admission. And now, I guess I can't anymore. I'm pretty disappointed with myself for not taking my own stand, but I just can't, I guess. I need his support, simple as that. And now, I can no longer see what the future holds. It's too abstract, and my thoughts have gone back to being too convoluted. Auditions didn't work out either, 'cause I didn't get to go, being as I was on semi-lockdown after a blowup between us. So didn't get to hang out for a while, & I just slacked off, pretending to turn away from the world, suppressing myself while putting up a "I don't give a pickachu" attitude to everyone around me. Hahaaha. Pickachu. But yeah, life was pretty down during those days.

And now? Still not that great, but it's slightly picking up again. Thanks for those who are always by my side, no matter what, cheering me up & taking me out no matter what time of the day it is. You know who you are. Earlier, went out with Angelica, Allie, & Sami for late lunch at Corner Bakery, Yogurtland, quick trip to Walmart, then off to Brea Mall. Love those girls. More fun tomorrow, toga party! Then dinner with the kids on Thursday. Movie hopping on Saturday? (: Love all the random hangouts & plans! Bring it on! Feels like summer's about to slip away again. Boo. But the birthday's coming up, turning the big 17! Funny how I'm not superduper excited about it. Must be getting old.

Senior portraits coming up. Think my appointment is on August 4th, but forgot the time -_- I'm facing a dilemma of whether or not to cut my hair, because it's getting way too long and unmanageable, & I really just want to chop everything off. Mariel & I had been talking about it for the whole year, but she got it done first ): And now, it's my turn, but ugh! Lots of different aspects to think about. Such as career & senior portrait issues, vs. plain old need to get it cut. I need a change, life's getting a bit drab. Plus, it's been too damn hot lately. Stupid summer.

So, it's not often I talk about this. But since this is my blog, I'll do how I wish, which is to vent. Hahaaha! So for those of you who read this, take it like a man! (: Or quite simply, don't read. This is more of a personal thing.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. It's something that everyone wants in life. It's up there with happiness and life. It could be the most complicated thing in the world, but to others, it's the simplest. Love - a state of mind, a physical, tangible being, or an inherent emotion? Maybe all 3? Is it simply implicit, or due to unforeseen circumstances? Is love predetermined, or shaped by who we are, and how we make our choices? Does it all even matter in the end? Does love even exist? How can we be sure? Lust, adoration, friendship - all those things could be counted as a factor of, but not representing, what love is. I want to know about all of these things. Perhaps I'd spend the rest of my life wondering, or I'd realize it in a sudden flash of an epiphany. I'd like to know what love is. My mind's too muddled right now to make much sense of it, but I'd like to know. I want to know. It's been troubling me nonstop.

I've been told countless times that I am a very complicated person. I change, shift faces around different people, with different sides of the personality brought out, and I'm good at hiding my emotions and thoughts. What appears upon the surface may not hold true for what's going on within. I'm an awkward and cheerful person at times, smooth and calculating the next, then off to being serene and mellow. The basic personality traits are there. I allow people to get close to me, but only to a certain extent. I love my friends, but the same "closed off" aspect may hold true towards them. There are many times that I'm more interested in them than I am with myself; I'd rather talk about them and their lives, because I care. It's hard for me to express my deeper thoughts and past with other people, and a lot of the times, with myself. By suppressing them, I forget about them most of the time, and they are only called forth when triggered by unforeseen objects. After that, they are once again banished into the back of my mind, always lurking there, unseen.

It's hard for me to talk about feelings, let alone express them. I can never really talk to my dad, and he's the closest one to me out of all the people in this world. He's the only one that truly cares about me, and alone here, with extended families hundreds and thousands of miles away, he's my only family. Of course, he has others. He has his wife, his son, his friends and family. I love him, and I'm glad for him, because I want him to have all that, I really do. It comforts me to know that even if I'm gone, he'll still always be supported, and will have others around him. We have a love-hate, explosive relationship that we try to suppress for periods of time, but it's still there. He's the only person who I allow to affect me like this, who can make me cry whenever he wishes, but still forgive him repeatedly countless times, and vice versa, because of unconditional love. If this is what love is like, I don't like being hurt. I hate it.

To be honest, I feel like I'm sinking further and further into my own withdrawn depravity. Why am I not going back to church? Why am I not making a bigger effort? I feel like the world's worst person, biggest hypocrite. My mind is a paradox. I want to try, and I want to accomplish everything that I set my mind to. I want to become a better person, I really do. But what can I do by myself? I want to take control of my own life, but I know, as well as people who know me well enough, I might not be capable of even that in the end. I'm a bundled up mess, presented to the outside world as being put together and immaculate most of the time. I don't want to be alone, but I was the one who chose to isolate myself. Did you know that loneliness is one of my worst fears? To be abandoned - it haunts me. Just like the deep fear of drowning and the darkness. Whether the darkness outside, or within. Does it really matter after all?

Maybe there's a message in all this, maybe not. Maybe I'm just a crazy lunatic ranting during one of my mood swings, due to exhaustion from staying up the night before and getting up early for class. I'm tired. I feel like giving up all the time. It's quite sufficient for me to stay in my room, by myself, with only a tentative connection to the outside. Yet at the same time, it saddens me. I want to start over and to improve, but really, do I even know what I mean by that? Sad thing is, I don't really care about myself. That's the honest truth, blunt and ungarnished. I don't like to take care of myself. Others, yes. Myself, no. My self-value is in the eyes of the others. Isn't that pathetic? But then, does it really matter what opinions are, even that of my own?

I hadn't planned to say all this when I first began to write. I guess it just all came out. Sooner or later, I'm going to need to make a private blog haha. Before my sleep-deprived eyes shut down, and I pass out into slumber, I'd just like to say one more thing. I've hurt a lot of people in the past. They either become drawn by my supposed surface, or by the bouts of inner turmoil that I'd allowed to show in moments of weakness. I stop that. Days of frivolity are gone now. I don't allow those people to get close to me. I close myself off, and turn away. Looking back on it now, I regret it, but that's the way I am. My heart is closed off to those who want to get deeper. A guy once asked me before, why? Heartbreak? Childhood trauma? What? Without getting into specifics, I will just merely state this. Maybe it's because I'm afraid.

And now, he's appeared. This innocent, beautiful, gentle and kind-hearted person who comes into my life as suddenly and silently as if he's been there all along. He foolishly approaches, and tries constantly to draw out the "beautiful" side that he claims to exist. What a fool. There is no such side. His simple acts of kindess bother me, and hurt me. I turn away, and he continues regardless, keeping in the shadows and appearing when I need him the most. I feel so selfish, but he tells me to forget all that, that it's what he wants. How can I? He's an idiot. Nighttime is when I become more dangerous, doing stupid and reckless things. Even when I'd become desperate and decided to commit a ridiculous act towards him, he never faltered. He merely smiled at me with that ever-present, beautiful smile of his, and said, "I understand you better than you understand yourself. Not now. Only when you are truly ready." I cried. He's seen too many sides of me so far. I'm scared, because I don't know what to do. He's too beautiful for someone like me. If only. There's also him to think about. Not that there's much more of it left now. I'm left empty.

I will document this because it's been a beautiful journey. Notice how I keep using the word "beautiful" to describe him? Because that's what he is. Beautiful. So is he. They both are, and will always be. I believe in them. That does not exist for me. So I will let them go. Today may be the last time that I will ever write about this. If all ends well. I feel sick as I write this, but I must. Right? I don't even know what I want anymore. Here, I will keep the treasured memory safe. I'm going to have to see about the private blog thing, and also maybe an actual notebook. Though I hate writing things out now, by hand. The OCDness comes out.

I'm heartbroken.

Routine.

2009-06-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

Hello, third week of summer. It's been a blast, thankyouverymuch. Not really. Life's been the same old routine. Class, hangouts, practice, whatnot. Yum. So after I finished my last blog, I went out with Allie & Angelica for a little coffee run at the Starbucks across from the Harkin's, & the place was bustling with Transformer crazies all over the place. Just kidding. Not really, they really were everywhere. But yes, had a long talk, laughs, catching up. I love how chill summer is (: Quick summary of the week gone by: Thursday, hangout & dinner with Chey & kids. It's quickly settling into a weekly thing now, fun! Friday, hung out with Jessica, went for some Robek's, car wouldn't start so stayed at the Shoppes for a few hours, then went back (: Hahaah! Good talks! Saturday, went out to Michelle to Aegis to scope it out for the benefit, went for some Pinkberry, & headed over to Mariel's to chill for a few hours. It was damn hot. Freaking summer. Then Sunday, moped around the house until the guys dropped by, & went out with them hang out everywhere for a few hours. Tiring. Then went home & practiced! I'll explain for what in a sec! And finally, today. Freaking Calc class, got yelled at for not doing my work -_- I was! I was just distracted! Hahaah. & After, went out with Shelly to Starbucks to just chill & "study". Yeapp, didn't work out too well. Ran into a couple of CH kids though. Coolness.

So now, I have several projects under my belt. First is, of course, the benefit. I need volunteers! (: Everything is still getting finalized, but the venue will most likely be at Aegis, with food & valet donated also, & the date will most likely be October 24th? Thanks Michelle, for all your hard work! More details will arrive as stuff gets determined!

The second one is for my potential career in the entertainment industry. Many of my friends know that I'm looking to break into the music & modeling industry, & I'm working on that right now. Currently I'm focused on the Korean entertainment industry because 1) It's asian, which means more opportunities for me, the asian, and 2) I admire their work & accomplishments, & believe that it will be a real learning experience. I'm planning to go audition for SM Entertainment in LA on most likely July 11th, & I'll be auditioning for singing, modeling, & dancing, so wish me luck (: I'm also be trying out for companies such as YG, JYP, & Brother's, so I really hope I succeed. In the meantime, practice, practice, practice, & continue to reach for my goals, because I really do want this (: So please pray for me, & I hope everything works out!

Now that I've gotten my license, I'm focusing on getting my insurance, & a car muahahaah! (; The rest of the household is coming back Saturday morning, so Pops, better beware. Once I get my means of transportation, I'd like to get a job, preferrably at somewhere like Starbucks, or Juice It Up, etc., or at a clothing store? Also, I'd also like to intern for Joe Ko's clothing project, HMLTY, so I hope that works out (: It will be an awesome learning experience, that's forsure!

And oh yes, can't forget about Calc. Classes end July 22nd, but it's 730 to 130 everday, so that'll be a blast -_- I need to get my grades up! I've been slacking so much, that I'm scared. My high school career has been a failure, I've been a failure. It's hard for me to express what I really feel about it, but the basics are that my lazy procrastinating has paid off, & I'll probably never get into college, so I'll just be a bum on the streets for the rest of my life ): Booooooo. But yeah, I need to try to make up some, so hello, senior year adult school, & night classes, maybe? Hello, studying for SATs & whatnot. Hello, trying to salvage what's left so I don't become a total, complete failure. Poor dad. Poor asian parents, for having such a useless daughter. Yes, I'm referring to myself. Man, this sucks.

And also, for the few people who know about this: he's back. Yes, he's come back, & I'm completely surprised, & going like, WTF IS HE DOING BACK HERE. This is going to be total chaos. It's like a never-ending cycle. Joy. J called & texted me earlier while I was at Starbucks with the news, & apparently, he's on a top secret mission, arriving just yesterday. Whatever the hell that means. And he wanted it to be kept a secret from me, but J just couldn't shut his mouth, so that was a bust. Thanks, J. I love you. So I'm slightly nervous now, & I don't really know what to do, or what to expect. But no way in hell am I contacting him first. Eff that. & You know what? I don't even care anymore. Let bygones be bygones, lest I be sucked back into the very situation that I thought already ended, having been done with. Venting about this helped. Alright lovelies, call me, reach me, once you read this. I'm needing a good girly chat right about now. Thanks, have a nice day.

Stirrings of Summer.

2009-06-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

So, I must recount the past, nearly 2 weeks since school's let out? Mm, delicious. Alright, it's summertime! Last day of school was alrah', and then we girls hung out at the Shoppes since we're Chino Hillers, had some yummay CPK, & dance-shopped our way through what else? Forever 21, among others. Got hit on by these 2 guys, so Melanie & I decided to skedaddle off and give Mariel & Michelle some 2 on 2 time with those chicos. HAH. After looking through some cool disguises involving bohemian scarves & bigass shades, met up with Kyle & Michael. Hung out at Pinkberry, then Michelle & Melanie had to leave. Boo. Us 4 then just sat back & had a "hilarious" time involving me, the female-version of Ben, stalking some poor blonde lemonade-doling lady. Poor dear. Those pretzels were to die for, thanks. After, I left them to head over to Allie's grad party with Angelica, Markell, & Chrissy. Chilled there 'till close to midnight with allah' them kids, then headed back home because I was pooped, yay!

Summer school at Don Lugo started. Hello, 730 to 130 Calculus class. But then, there's Shelly Kim (: With all of our breakfast grubbing, lunch expeditions, long talks, & whatever else! Jackie & Danica, ditchers! D: Met some cool kids, Josh & Joe. Tuesday, hung out with Chris & Luke, then went over to that Japanese place in the commons with the Shabu Shabu? for dinner with Luke, Aaron, and Allen. Wednesday, skipped class. Kings came over to help out, & instead, helped with TS3! Yay, downloading! Thursday, girls' movie night! at Allie's house with Angelica & Elisa, watching Moulin Rouge & Rent. Ahhh, good times. Came home superlate, woke up earlay to make breakfast for me & Shellay. After class, went around driving with Marko, grabbed some Robek's, then went home & system crashed.

Saturday, Melanie's surprise bday party! Went on over with the kids, Josh P., Neil, Jurel, & Teo, and met up with Michelle, Kevin, & Ben. After we "surprised" Melanie, with Kyle smirking in the corner (Krazy Kyle!), went over to grab Mariel, & Josh D., Michael, & Bronson arrived later on. Good times, with our running around everwhere, hella long T&D sesh, & jamming, gaming, & attempted movie-watching. Owned allah' them in cards! (: Which I think I left at Mel's house -_- Booooo! Then went home late, & crashed once again.

Monday, GOT MY LICENSE, HAYL YEAH! Freaking Pomona (: Tuesday, which is today, grabbed coffee & food in the morning, & after class, Shelly & I ran errands, then settled into Starbucks for our hella long talks & attempted homeworking. Mm, not so much. Got hungray, then went to Shelly's house for food, TV, & more talking. & Now, I'm back, yay!

My days seem to have settled into some sort of routine. Balancing the class & its workload, & hangouts, I can't believe it's been a bit more than a week into summer already. I'm loving it though, & I attempt to make the most out of this. Hello, auditions, jobbing, & internship! Well, this is all that I feel like writing down, so yay for blanks & erratic blogging!

And yes, I still miss it. What we used to have. What we might never gain back. I miss you, boo.

Building Up.

2009-05-31T10:31:00.000-07:00

So, been a while since I last updated, as always. These past few weeks have been crazy, at times uneventful, sometimes spontaneous & fun. Y'know, same old. My license test is coming up in 3 days, & I'm slightly freaking out, 'cause I was an idiot who had to schedule it at 3 pm in Pomona -_- 3 PM ! I'm having nightmares about driving around and running down a kid who just had to jaywalk the freaking street or something. Ughh. But yes, other than that, life's pretty mellow. AP tests are over, and I can move it to the back of my mind 'till July, & it'll be a wonderful bday present, ohyes. Stupid APUSH and AP English -_- My benefit had to be pushed back to August, and I have a feeling that things are going to get pretty difficult with it. I've found out that I'd been backstabbed by someone that I'd been willing to trust, despite everyone else's telling me otherwise. Remember the cell phone drama? Well, yes, it was all him. Named here as W. I don't know, but it just stunned me. It created an opportunity for myself to just sink even lower, to become even more jaded than before, and to be paranoid about trusting people again. However, thankfully that didn't happen. I still have my friends, and it didn't mean that much to me that I had to go apesheeet over it. So, life goes on. It's just going to make me reevaluate the friendships that I have, the trust that I give out so willingly, and the fact that I should listen to what my friends say, and trust them, because they just want the best.

Went to Denny's with Joe one late night, and had him tell me that I didn't know how to make friends, being as cold and closed off as I am. It was quite interesting, to say the least, yet slightly hurtful hahaah. Depends on which side of me you see, I guess. I haven't been that active at VOH Walnut lately, because I do feel as if I'm a different person there. There are times when I can't be there regularly due to various issues, but when I come back, it's as if I've become distant, and can no longer relate to people. I don't want to complain, but I have tried, and it really hurts when it's come to this. It's hard for me to continue going there week after week, going through the same things. But I won't quit yet, because I don't want to be a quitter, especially since I go to church because I love God, and I want to serve, to be with the fellow sisters & brothers in Christ. We'll see how this plays out then.

So last weekend, was a 3-day weekend, yeee! Friday, went out with Allie & Angelica to Mimi's Cafe first for food & laughs, then on to Victoria Garden! Went shopping around, had some creepy hairstylist/seller come up to us, & try to touch allah' our hair, especially Allie's -_- Seriously inappropriate. Juice It Up, then Jamba Juice! Then shoes, & F21! Ang & I tried to be super smooth & subtle, trying to get Allie a bday present there, but in the end, we failed, & just came out in the open & got her something HAHA. After, we outran the curfew popo, & drove on to Diamond Plaza for Cue pics! Had the best time with those girls, even though after I went home too late, & my dad decided to change my curfew to 11 pm. -_- Bummers. Saturday, the Shoppes with Amberlyn, Robin, Raquel, and Sayoko for Spanish filming! Ate at Ra, then afterwards, went on to the Hello Kitty store with A & S, and F21, again -_- I need to stop going there. Got 3 things, then afterward left to go hang out at Chey's house! Sunday, both Ang & I overslept for my snapshots & Bingo hahaah! And I missed breakfast with Chris & Luke! Worked on 'Angel's Respite' though, which is coming along quite nicely, & went out for food with friends later. Monday, overslept, again, lunch with Ang, Allie, and Sami for Allie's bday -_- Got like, 84759348754 missed calls & messages. Worked on AR again, and went to a golf game with the Dad!

This week was pretty fun too. Wednesday, choir banquet! Helped with decorations, & went over to Ang's house to get ready. Then, food, awards, & video, along with tons of camera whoring! I'm seriously going to miss all the seniors. Afterwards, went to Starbucks with Ang, Allie, & Elisa to just sit there for an hour, and unwind, chill & hangout. In our dresses! Thursday, driving lesson with Leo, who talked about Mariel & Michelle in the car hahaah! And picked up Amanda after, which was quite random. Friday, AP English project at the library. After, went to Chipotle with Jerusalem 'cause we were hungry as beasts. Had a long talk about errthang, including school, boys, senior year, etc.! Then walked around & shopped for a while. Later, drove around & went out for Yogurtland with the gangg! Saturday, went out to late lunch at BJ's with Cheyenne, Brandon, & Dylan. We all haven't gone out together like this in a while, because we had all been so busy, but it was nice. Afterward, drove around to Starbucks and just hung out there.

In the end, I blog about the casual details about my life, because it helps to keep things light, fun. But now, I just have to say this. I think I've lost it. I think maybe this is the end, compared to all the ends we'd had before. I don't want this, but maybe it's all for the best. I can't possibly imagine what he must feel right now, but I do know how I feel. I don't know if it will ever come back. This hurts. Everything does.

New Outlook.

2009-05-04T15:54:00.001-07:00

So, new personal goal as of .. well, yesterday. This will become my personal philosophy, the very thing that I will aim for all of my life, and what I wish to become. To explain it, I've recently read something that made me stop and think, simply with the words "perfect, beautiful inside and out", used to describe someone in the story. That caused me to start pondering the realities of everyday life. How often do you hear those words, to apply to anybody? With society today, outer appearance is everything, and I've been guilty of that also. And yet, we continue to neglect what's most important: who we truly are inside, what we make of ourselves, how we treat the world around us. That should be our top priority, to make ourselves better people, rather than focusing on petty dramas or how one looks or wears. That's not what's important in life, and when you look back on yourself 10 years from now, 20 years, 30, 40, and so forth, would you rather be known by how you were once voted the best-dressed person for senior year, or by how you've put time and effort to befriend a troubled teenager with a difficult background and no support, allowing him/her to achieve something his/her life, to be able to have a new outlook in life, and to know that somewhere out there, there're people who care? Maybe you disagree, but I personally will choose the second option. No longer will I pay attention to the shallow aspects of life. I will strive to become someone who will be known for not only what's on the outside, but what's on the inside as well. I will strive to one day deserve the words "beautiful inside and out". And even if that day will never come, I will continue to try to be the best person that I can be. I want to be the best daughter, sister, friend, comrade, etc. that anyone can ask for. Too often we are focused on only ourselves, to notice the people around us who may be silently crying out for help. We are taught not to involve ourselves with others' problems, but sometimes, that might be what will make the difference. I want to be able to make a positive difference, whether with one person, or 100 others. I want to be able to stand up for what I believe in. I want to become a better Christian, become more spiritually active and healthy, and I want to become a positive example for others. I want to reflect positively upon my family and friends. I want to shed my past, and look towards a positive and bright future. There are so many things that I want to become, but I know that it will be a long and difficult road. There will be many temptations and trials, but I know that with the power of prayer and believing in what's right, I will continue to try to become the best I can be. This means getting rid of all the bad habits, whether they're cussing, being lazy, or whatever. I'm going to start watching everything that I say or do, and be extra careful, because that's where misunderstandings and unintentional consequences come from. Pray for me, that I will be able to someday achieve this goal.

When I think back on Pastor Fulton's message once more, he had said "What does it mean to forgive? For give. Giving before you need it, or even want it. Forgive." Start anew.

As I finished writing yesterday's blog, I felt a sense of release, the calm right after a storm, as Mariel called it. I feel embarassed by the extremely depressing and emotional tone of the blog, but I guess it's part of who I am. I discovered that letting loose your emotions upon this really helps, and it helps to sort your thoughts out and to realize that wow, I was thinking this the whole time? It helps to offer new solutions, and helps to build greater understanding, whether for yourself or for others who read it. And of course, it helps for you to look back on it afterwards, to learn and grow from your mistakes. I love blogging. :)

Extremely Personal. Self Therapy Pt. 2

2009-05-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

I would like to see someone who has thought what I've thought, experienced what I've felt. Maybe we could become bestfriends, or maybe we'll end up being each other's worst enemies, unable to face the reflection of our true selves through one another. Of course, all of this is speculation. There is not a single person out there who's been through what I have, nor have I been through everything anyone else has. This is what makes us unique individuals, our separate experiences, emotions, environments, whatever e word out there. No one can say that they've gone through what I have, nor do I have the right to say that I completely understand another, that I've been in their shoes before. Everyone has a difference reaction to different situations, and every situation is unique, never the same. It's not fair to get mad at someone else just because he or she doesn't understand, and/or wasn't there to help you at your time of need. You can only help yourself. Rely only on yourself. That's what I've learned so far in my life, I would guess. Family can only support you so far, and friends probably even less. Cynical? Perhaps. I'm at a cynical part of my life right now, deep down, with a stupidly optimistic and gullible exterior when with other people. Deep down, I'm hurting, but no one sees this, or more likely, chooses not to see. That's fine with me, or so I choose to believe. I've gone from a stage of semi-innocence to none at all; a bittersweet childhood - more bitter than sweet - to a bittersweet young adulthood. This blog is intended for my personal documentation, and for no other purposes besides that. Perhaps I do want others to read this, to understand; maybe it's a form of reaching out to the world with tremulous hands, too prideful to admit anything else. Perhaps it's because I want to connect with others out there who are like me, or who might become like me, and warn them of the effects, hoping to prevent it. I've suppressed so much throughout my life; sometimes I'd be able to forget it, but when I'm alone, it's unavoidable. I hate being alone. It's my worst fear. I'm stubborn, bipolar, crazy, selfish, proud, and every other word out there at times. And yet other times, I could be the complete opposite. Is this what my identity has come to be? I have too much inner pride; I do not need your pity or your patronizing. As my blog becomes more and more personal, I become more and more anxious and nervous about sharing so many of my inner thoughts. Maybe at some point I will change it from being public to being private. Maybe. So much I have not been able to share with anyone, not my family, nor my friends, and would probably never do. What I realize that I need now is company, a friend, one who stands on an equal basis with me, one who I have no restrictions or boundaries around, one who would listen to me and try to understand me as I do for so many others. Talking, equals, able to comfort each other and enjoy each other's companies at the same time. One with whom I am completely comfortable and open around, one with whom silence is as effective as laughter, as significant and as heartwarming. A friend whom I could tell all my secrets to, my shame. I have too many regrets and shame in my life. I am trapped in what he had called "self condemnation". I thought that I could get over it, forgive, and start anew. Alas, it's harder than it seems. Way harder. Not when practically your entire life has been based on such a thing. Forgiveness comes more easily from me towards others than to myself. How could that be? you may ask. I do not like myself. Plain and simple. Another might say, if you do not like yourself, how do you expect others to like you? Simply put, I no longer do. Perhaps tomorrow, I may think differently. But right now, I'm weary, I've given up, and I don't wish to go on any longer. I love God, with my whole heart. Yet I am a sinner. He may have forgiven me for my sins, but I do not forgive myself for them. For the past years, I've asked myself, why do I go on still? Where is my passion for life, my inspiration? I do not do things for myself, but for others. My entire outward appearance is for the sake of others. My schooling, for my father, though I've probably failed him in that. I sincerely care for people, I really do. No matter what, I always try to be there for them, try to listen to their problems and offer my input. I wish for everyone's happiness and success, and I forgive even those who have hurt me time and time again. If I have done anyone any wrong ever, I am genuinely sorry for that also, though I try hard never to do that unless injured first. Then why are people still so unresponsive? Our world is not a perfect one; more specifically, there is a vast amount of sin and corruption everywhere. I myself should understand that perfectly. Yet I never lose hope, never. I am still as optimistic for people as always. Depression is never a good thing. I've realized that even if I cannot help myself, I can still help others, despite what many believe. It's easy. I'm there for you; disregard my own troubles and unhappiness, they're of no consequence. Give up on me. It's a terrible feeling to be given up upon, but one cannot expect any more. From now on, I will be there to listen to your troubles, but I will never again heap my own on others. Of course, this is my personal choice, and for those of you out there, remember that there is always someone who will be there for you, who loves and supports you no matter what. I wish you the best in everything.

Forgiveness is such a strange thing for many people, especially those who feel that they have been wronged. At church today, I suddenly got a feeling to do this, to give myself up completely to the church. I was called to forgive and cut loose. And behold, the visiting pastor who preached today began to talk of exactly that: forgiveness. Forgiveness towards others, forgiveness towards myself. The message touched me deeply, and I began to weep thinking of all the ways this applied to me. I will try my best.

Forgive me, father, for not being the perfect daughter, and being imperfect and flawed in so many ways. I'm sorry for disappointing you time and time again, while you've always tried to do your best by me. I forgive you for your faults, your weaknesses at times, and I apologize for my resentment at times towards you over the years. Mother, my real birthmother, I forgive you for abandoning me, for never being a part of life, or even wanting to be. I've resented you subconsciously for my whole life; despite your calls for me, I did not want to answer you, or have anything to do with you. It maybe still be hard for me to respond even now, but for the time being, I do forgive you. Thank you for giving birth to me, for giving me life. Stepmother, likewise. I'm sorry for my resentment and disrespect for you over the past 2 years, and I'm sorry for taking out my frustrations on inner thoughts towards Bryan, who is innocent. I love you both, and will always be here as family and support, if you need me. The adults that were a part of my childhood; I forgive you for adding misery to my life as a child, and for making me the kind of person I am today. There's nothing anyone can do now about it; what's done is done, and it's in the past.

Old classmates and schoolmates, I forgive you for all of your transgressions towards me; likewise, I ask for your forgiveness in anything that I may have done. To the friends that I have lost, I forgive you for the deep hurt that you've caused me, and ask you to forgive me also on my part. To those who may resent me for whatever reasons, forgive me for whatever I may have done, real or otherwise. I am not perfect, and though that may not be an excuse, I am still human. I make many mistakes. I usually do not mean them, but if you still hold it against me, I understand. I just ask for your understanding, and your reflection upon yourself, and see if I am truly the one to be blamed entirely. Most misunderstandings come from miscommunication, and that is as true as it gets, as anyone who have experienced this can testify. Similarly, I feel as if I've done so many wrongs before, that I feel utterly ashamed, and don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry, two words, three syllables, seven letters with an apostrophe. It only takes one person to say it, but it can mean a world of difference. Try it next time. It can mean the difference in a relationship, in a lifestyle, in everything that you've experienced, believed in, and thought over. Try it. It can do wonders, you'll find.

I've decided to go ahead and post this. Anyone who may chance to read this, I ask only for your discretion and understanding that this was meant to be personal, extremely so, and I kindly ask that you do not mock nor belittle this. This was not meant to gain pity, or any such feelings, and I do not ask for your understanding. These are feelings that I rarely, if never, share with anyone, but it does help to vent. If this has helped even one person out there, I will be completely satisfied, and I ask for nothing more. Thank you.

Good to Bad. Same old.

2009-05-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

So from last Saturday to now, big difference, mind you. Saturday, day of NOVO Fashion Show. Calltime at 10 AM in the morning, everyone was out in the model lounge. Dress rehearsal, made up by the makeup artists and hair stylists that came, made some unexpected new friends and met with old acquintances & friends, then the fashion show began. Ran late by like, 40 minutes because the sound guy wasn't here -_- But in the end, everything came together and it was AMAZING! The presentation went up first, then Long Beach dance crew, and after, NOVO fashion show! First model out for the second line, Bohemian. Thanks to all the coordinators, models & designers, makeup artists & hair stylists, sound technicians, & etc. etc. You guys all rocked and looked gorgeous, & without you, the show wouldn't have been such a success :) Met some people that I haven't seen in forever also, Troy kids, like Sharon! Couldn't go out with errone to Guppyhouse & Diamond Plaza after, so went with Luke for some Starbucks, went home, & went out with Chey &others again for food &yogurtland! And then chilled around. Went home pretty late, but all in all, an amazing day!

Sunday, woke up not feeling that well. Shouldn't have run around in a dress for that long, it was cold out -_- Didn't head to church, & after resting for a bit, went out with Angelica for some Chipotle & Surf City. Had a good talk about everything, including what we want to accomplish in life, and what our future goals are. Yeee, LA here we come! ;) After, went home and rested some more. Decided not to go out 'cause CSTs were the next day and I had a crapload of work to do, hahaah! Monday was a pretty good day; got alot of unexpected compliments, and I love my friends! Allie, who went to NOVO, totally made my day with the "Everything was so legit! You were one of the best models there!" And even if it weren't true, it totally put a smile on my face. Thanks baby! Skip forward to Wednesday. Went out in the morning with William and Kingston for some Starbucks, and met up with Kirsty. Loitered around Albertson's a bit 'cause we're cool like that. Then afterwards, discovered that I lost my phone. That was when everything started to turn bad.

Thursday was time for congrats to my friends, the M&J's! But then, my cousin Kevin apparently told me that he received text messages from my phone the day I lost it. And apparently, some random asian dude who went into Yearbook to get interviewed told David Zhu that I was talking crap about him, and called him "Mr. Balls". Mr. Balls. Seriously? Even if I had wasted by time and breath talking crap about him, there are 453945739485394 other MUCH BETTER words that I could think of to call him. These are such stupid things to flip out over, but it was disturbing, and totally ruined my day. Especially the part about my phone. Seriously, not cool. I've suspended my SIM card, but still, I've had so many important numbers and messages in my phone. David, no one likes you. The whole school knows you as the ultimate bullshitter, who likes to make shit up for fun, all the time, and who likes to talk and spread shit about everyone. You're a coward also, which makes it worse, since you can't even back your crap up. Everyone thinks you're weird and worthless, and you like to brag about the stupidest things. Even if you think you're so "rich" and whatnot, that doesn't mean shit, and doesn't make you any of a better person. I suggest that in the future, if you want people to start liking you, you better stop your act right now, along with your stupid friends F & C. F is so pathetic and makes up so much shit, that even though he pisses me off with his stupidity, I still feel sorry for him. Who are you people to judge? Have I ever even talked to you guys before? Do you think you even know me at all? You and your dumbass skank of a girlfriend, I was done with you a long time ago, bored with your incessant dumb shit drama. You guys are pathetic, and if you look around at the fact that so many people don't like you, maybe you'll realize that one day.

I've always kept to myself at this school, staying close with my friends and who I feel comfortable and open with. I admit that I've had a wild past, but in the end, I always have my closest friends with me, the ones who accept me the way I am, understand me, and are always there for me. As I've said, I've been at the highest place before, but I've also been at the lowest. I am probably the most accepting and understanding person you'll ever meet, and it's probably because of that. Once we're friends, I'm always there for you, always ready to lend an ear for you to vent to and offer advice and comfort, always having your back, ready to accept anything. Even after I get hurt, I still try to understand and to keep on, because I'm not the type of person to quit. I guess that's why I've been hurt so many times, because I give so much of myself out there, and I'm still so gullible and forgiving even after I'm hurt. But I've also ended up with so many great friends, so I guess that's one good thing about that. From being wild to a completely different person, I've learned alot. At CHHS, I've learned to change, and I like the fact that I don't have to care so much, and can just be with my friends and not get involved. And yet, despite that, people still talk. My frankness and outspokenness have gotten me in trouble numerous times, but simply making stuff up is absolutely ridiculous, and I pity you and your lack of fulfillment in your life. My friends all know the truth, and understand me, the person that I am, and that is enough. Thank you for your support, and always being there for me.

And for my friends, who are going through various dramas also, all I can say it that you guys know what's right and what's wrong. I trust that you guys will make the right decision in the end, because that's your decision alone, and no one else can help you with that. I'm always here to listen and offer advice, and I hope you're able to do what makes you happy in the end. Hope everything goes well, for you, and for me as well.

Summarization of the Week.

2009-04-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

This week has been pretty eventful actually, and this is the one chance I'm going to be able to blog it out, before the crazay weekend starts! :) Saturday, dress rehearsal, and afterwards went out with Joe for some Chipotle, talked about many things, pretty deep! Decided to crash at Luke's house, but his dad told us he wasn't there, lol -_- Decided to head to Starbucks, and had a jam session there for like, 3 hours! The next day, headed to church, got breakfast at Starbucks, me with my Robek's and Starbucks bagel. Afterwards, headed to Irvine and Corona del Mar with Joe and Josh. Jammed, frolicked in the waves, tried to finish up my English ABC project! for hours. Then went for dinner at theh BCD Tofu House. Mm, Korean food. Headed back to Chino Hills with Josh, and had a rather .. interesting conversation in this car, haaha!

Monday was hella hot -_- After school, went for Mickey D's and Starbucks with Michelle in the hellish heat, ugh! The food was yummy though :) Tuesday, went to the Shoppes with Mariel and Michelle. Got a pair of pointy silver heels for the fashion show, & got some Chipotle and Surf City, while they got Pinkberry! Went over to Forever 21, got some dresses! Then off to Barnes & Nobles, for AP books, and our Fast Food Nations, haha. Left with Michelle, saw Melanie before we left. Went home, then out for dinner again with the Joe's, Parker, and Josh. Korean food again! After, headed to Joe Ko's house, and kicked it for a bit. Wednesday, went out with Joe over to Luke & Aaron's house. Happy 19th birthday, Aaron, you oldie! :) Watched the Laker's game, saw Allen again after what, 2 years? Overall, rather interesting night. The next day, tutored Colin after school, and it was crazay as usual. Something happened, and it's going to be kept on the DL forever, RIGHT BUDDY !? Hilarious, yet embarassing. Sigh. Pretty good week overall, I 'd say. Now just can't wait for the NOVO Fashion Show on Saturday!

P.S. Just wanted to add this. Thanks Joe, for everything. You know what you did :) Or perhaps you don't, but it's okay. I'll know.

Recap.

2009-04-18T09:07:00.000-07:00

So I know I haven't updated in a while, which sucks because so much have happened since I've last updated. But since this stuff is prettay important, I'm going to do my best to remember every important detail for the memories! Starting with the Choir Tour from April 3 -April 7, to Seattle & Canada!

Friday - We all had to wake up early as hell to get to LAX at like, 7 in the morning -_- Elisa came around to pick me up at like, 5 am. and I was like, shit! I'm still not packed! So I spent the next 10 minutes frantically running around my house, tossing clothes and stuff into my suitcase while E was probably going all WTF!? outside my house haha. Finally left & hit the airport, where everyone was. Went through security, allah' that, & exchanged US for Canadian money with the kids! Hit up Starbucks with Allie, while Sami, Markell, and Daniel went over to Burger King right next door. Freaking ripped us off -_- Bought a copy of Vogue Magazine for the plane ride, and everyone gathered to wait, including Angelica, Elisa, Dawn, etc. Boarded that plane, with Jason behind me, & Allie on my left, and flew towards Seattle! Landed, and while walking towards the bus this old black man was like, "Hey! C'mere! I just want to shake your hand, I don't bite!" And Allie & I were like WHADDAFREAK!? Then the payphone rang and Allie went to go answer it HAHA! Got on the bus, went to University of Washington, ate some lunch, & headed for the clinic, which was really good :) Left for the Emba ssy Suites Hotel, got ready, and went to the Opera! Angelica, Allie, and I snuck out to grab some food, then in the restroom SOMEONE got stuck in the stalls! Lorraine heard and when she came back she totally blamed Angelica LOL! Good night. Then went back really late, & knocked out.

Saturday - Woke up, got yummy breakfast with Eileen, Elisa, Angelica, & Marko! Then errone headed over to the Space Needle, which is massive, & you have to get in this elevator that takes you up 98347593487534 feet high. Not good for someone who's scared of heights -_- Everyone camera whored, then enjoyed the scenery! Afterwards, went over to this food court/games place for lunch, and chilled at Starbucks with Allie, Sami, Daniel, Markell, & Dawn. Headed over to the EMP (Experience Music Project!) and it woulda been hella boring 'cause we had to stay there for really long, except we snuck into booths and started our own crazy stuff in there, like the food rap, & recordings HAHA! Lauren, Allie, and I went to the Rock Band Audio Stage thing, & it was great, even though it was broadcasted & Lauren was being crazay up there! Afterwards, headed back to the hotel, & everyone was free to get dinner. Headed to the Sushi place witih Marko and the Peterson, & got a hella lot of sushi, 'cause I was starving -_- Then went over the Allie's room, & chilled for a bit. After a while, errone decided that they were hungry too, so went on over to Wendy's with Allie, Sami, Daniel, Dawn, Markell, Amanda, RG, Jason, Thomas, Becca, and Taylor. After making a stop at the gas station to load up on snacks & stuff, we went back to the hotel after a hilarious night time excursion ("Did you just headbutt that sign!?") went back up to the room, & partied it up with Pink Panther in the background, & random people dropping by! Andrea, Michelle, Kristin, & others, along with Angelica & them in the room! Finally had to run back for the 10 pm curfew LOL! Crashed out after watching Sex and the City Movie with Eileen & Taylor HAHA!

Sunday - Woke up, got dressed, packed all m' stuff, & went down to breakfast with Allie, Sami, Angelica, & Elisa. Daniel lost his passport -_- & we were all supposed to cross the border that day into Canada. Got back on the bus, & drove onwards! Watched Ironman, & made a pitstop in the middle, with girls running wildly into the bathrooms, & trying to make a break for it into the woods HAHA! And Andrea doing her .. thang in there LOL ;) Finally crossed the border, & made it into Vancouver! It's seriously the prettiest & cleanest place evah! Got dinner, with this MOTHERFREAKING HOT waiter, who wasn't even our waiter but we called him over anyways ;) with the kids, listened to all this choir drama & whatnot. Then finally headed back to our crappy hotel in Vancouver, room crashed a little, & then caught up on some snoozes!

Monday - Woke up HELLA EARLY to catch the ferry into Victoria Island, & got breakfast there with the gang & Andrea! Frolicked around aboard, & when we got there, headed for Butchart Gardens! Went around, took 94539847 pictures, & it was really pretty! Headed for this park with the HUGEASS swinging bridge -_- and huge trees all over! Ahh, nature. Then went to the slopes, where we had to take this tram thing up the mountains, & me being the freak about heights, was like, AHHHHHH NOOOOO! Allie, Dawn, and I headed to the cafe instead, because we didn't want to get drenched by the snowball fight hahaah! Afterwards, went for dinner at this yummy place, got chicken fettucini pasta! Ate with Allie, Sami, Dawn, Daniel, Markell, Angelica, Elisa, and Marko. Hilarious time. For dessert, DEATH BY CHOCOLATE! It was unbelievable, and Angelica just had to make videos of our food o's, 'cause it was THAT GOOD. On the way back on the ferry, met my Canadian bestie, Keenan. Hilarious story, I must say, but only suitable to be told in person ;) Went back to hotel, room crashed as usual, then went to bed with Eileen after watching this weird drunk TV show for a while.

Tuesday - Woke up even earlier than the day before, packed, and went down for breakfast. Afterwards, boarded the bus to head over the Winston Churchill High School for the exchange program! They sang for us, then we sang for them. Amazing performance, of course. Then after, meet and greet. I realized that the one asian guy, Brandon, that I was like, hmm he's kinda cute! got surrounded by like, 4958345 girls after. Wtf -_- haha! Went up to him after, got a picture with him to spite Andrea HAHA! In the end, we all sang around the piano, these random songs from artists like Evanescence and the Beatles lol. Emotional farewell, then we left, with me swiping a buncha grapes. I love Canada. Headed back to Seattle, stopped at the Pike Market Place for lunch. Went for some Mickey D's! Then Macy's. Allie & I split off to look at some clothing boutique, then went in search of the henna tattoo place! Didn't find it, were pissed off, then got this mango banana smoothie that tasted like it was spiked -_- Went for the airport, flew back home! Home sweet home, with all of us crazy kids back in Chino Hills, California. Ugh, school the next day. Some ditched & slept in (Andrea!), and others came and crashed. I lost my voice due to fatigue hahaah! Overall, amazing experience :)

Check-in Time.

2009-04-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Alright. Update after I think, 2 weeks? Mm! There were its ups & downs of course. Stressing over Benefit Showcase, since I'm basically arranging almost every aspect of it, & grades. Stupid APs. I realized that I seriously have some kind of short term memory thing going on. I can barely remember what I did last week, and don't really remember what's been going around me, what color friends' cars are, what I've worn like, 2 days ago, & stuff like that. Yay, Alzheimers. I'll basically just jot down what's been going on.

Walnut High School came to play us in tennis, & met up with Grant, along with Mariel & John! Love afterschool times, with kids like Josh, John, Mariel, Jon, etc. With our weird "BYAH!"s and talking about weird moments & John recording them in the corner hahaah! Dude, so many names starting with Js, wtf -_- Then Friday, Julius was back for springbreak from Berkeley, so we chilled after, ran home to grab the progress report before the 'rents can see them -_- Then went off for some Jamba Juice & Chipotle, & after dropping me off at TL, hung around for a while with some kids. Sunday, went out with Dylan to grab some late lunch & hung out, then went back to my house for a kickback with kids like Chey, Jason, Caleb, & others, since the parentals were out. Jammed, pigged out, went cuhrazy! Mm, fun times. Wrote a song, & will head over to Chris' house with Luke to produce it, though our plan didn't work on Tuesday since Luke got in trouble with his madre -_- Lol. This week, have to turn in Dance tryout application, but didn't get my freaking physicals form signed! Oh well, screw it. Yesterday, both Mariel & I were stuck at school since our rides were being gay, so we decided to head over to MickyDs & Starbucks to chill & wait to be picked up. Fun stuff, what with our weirdness & "Pelvic thrust!"s & random conversations! Heading to Vancouver & Seattle for choir trip from 4/3 to 4/7! Oh yes, and congrats to all the kiddos who made Chambers; See you next year!

That's about it, I think. Life has been slowing down these days; can't wait for springbreak! Ohyes, & I've realized that I release my stress by either binge eating like a fatass or shopping, and so apparently I'm now obsessed with online shopping. Yay. Update soon!

Update, At Last!

2009-03-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't updated for the past 3 weeks, I think? Man, I am so inconsistent. But yeah, I'm back again! I'll just quickly jot down the highlights of my past weeks then.

Today, everyone basically ditched 3 hours of useless practice CSTs & Synergy, because it was freaking useless as heck, & no one cared. So I got to sleep in today, & woke up all energized and refreshed for once! Went over to Savannah's house, chilled for a bit, then went over to Juice It Up, & onto Mimi's Cafe with Eric. Met a crapload of CHHS people there, all hanging out, & ran into people like Chelsea, Lauren, & others! Had a crabmeat egg white omelette with toast & red potatoes, yum! Then rushed back to school, with Sav doing 95 the whole way, lmfao! When we got there, you see 3473895 kids walking in with us, 'cause no one showed in the morning. The rest of the day felt pretty funkay, with everything out of sync, & had Chambers rehearsal after school. Overall, a pretty relaxing day.

Backtrack, I don't really remember what's been going on. Time has been speeding past, & everything's just been a whirlwind of up & down, emotions. I've lost some friends, gained some, & I'm starting to re-evaluate my values in life, & those who are important to me, & who I'll keep even when I go on to college. It's been a hard couple of weeks, but I'm starting to get over it, move on, and concentrate on the more important things in life. I'm starting to feel more motivated again, experiencing more of the sweet and exciting aspects of my life, & I'd like to keep it that way. Junior year's almost over, & soon we'll be seniors, then off to college. Let bygones be bygone, forget about the past, & live your life how you want to.

But yeah. It was Mariel's birthday last week, happy 16th young'un! And today's Marielle's! Been hanging out with friends that I haven't seen in a while, and with those who I see all the time. Went out on a few dates, with a few people, &trying not to let relationships & stress get to me. My current projects include NOVO Fashion Show, the Benefit Showcase, & recordings for covers and such! The date for the BS has been moved to June 20th, and I've been having various business meetings and such to try and get everything together. Hope it all turns out well, & everyone shows up! Everyone should also go check out NOVO Fashion Show, where I'm one of the designers/stylists, 'cause it's going to be really cool, yeah?

Well, that's about it. Girlfrans at CHHS took random pictures, so since my blogspot is pretty lame & boring, I'll post those up just 'cause to make it more bright & colorful!

Self-Therapy Pt.1

2009-02-18T20:10:00.000-08:00

Self Realization time. Life's pretty much a rollercoaster, with its ups & downs, spins & loops. But what's more, is that there's that constant feeling of excitement, then a sudden plumment from where you just were. It's constantly changing, and even if you fight against it, who are you against such a massive force of change, such a constant stream of life? I suppose this is why one needs God so much in one's life, just to keep oneself sane and to keep believing in something stable, eternal, and ever-encompassing. This is how I feel right now, an insignificant speck against the vastness of everything around me. Sometimes I wonder, is it so much for me to wish for just one good thing to happen to me, and for it to never change? Then again, some would call me selfish. Who am I to wish for that when compared to the millions of suffering, starving, and homeless people out there, I have everything I need: family, friends, a home, a normal lifestyle where I pretty much do as I please. Yet what others don't understand is that underneath that facade of what others perceive as happy and carefree, I am nothing but someone who is struggling to seek her identity, to create a place for herself amidst everyone out there. I admit that I am not perfect, and will never be, but it hurts when others are so callous, so insensitive within their own little bubble that they do not spend the time to truly understand a person. What I present to the outside world and who I truly am on the inside are two completely different things; I should think that everyone would know that, and would understand that as being a part of themselves. I am a paradox; years and years of self-analyzation has taught me that. A saying that could apply to me would be "I don't always say what I mean, or mean what I say", as I've told my friends today at Denny's. No matter what, I just want to keep living. What my life would be like, I have no way of telling, but if it allows me to keep on striving for that something, and it allows me to do something with my life instead of being a useless sack of kid crap lying around all day, then I'd be thankful with all my heart. There are times when I would be lying around on my bed, and start contemplating about random things. Such as what I wanted to do with my life in the future, what I should become, how I should try to change, etc. etc. I think silence is the one thing that allows me to truly be able to look within myself; usually I'd be caught up in a constant stream of noise and motion. One of my biggest fears is probably being alone. I have a problem with opening up with other people, and I've never been able to do that, not with my family, nor with my closest friends. I've mastered the art of suppression since I've been little, and it's worked most of the time, except for those little side effects of it being randomly recalled and bringing a tidal wave of emotion. There are those who may call me outgoing, a "social butterfly" as Jessica put it, someone who looks like she knows what she wants, and knows where she'll go in life. There are also those who may put me on a pedestal, look up to me, see me as a role model. Then again, there are those who misunderstand me, think of me as being of many bad images, such as being crazy and bitchy and all those different other things. I cannot admit to being one without denying the other. I am multi-faceted, with numerous personalities, and being with different people causes me to bring out different sides of my personality. Don't ask me why or how, it just is. There are times when I could be insane and bitchy and fun and out of control, and there could also be times where I would be quiet and shy and a total sweetheart. Underneath that mass of tangled emotions and characteristics, I really am a nice person, or at least I try my very best to be. I am done with trying to fit in with others, and I try to be my own person at all times. I make mistakes, however, just like all humans, but I am not too proud to admit to them or to apologize. Towards my friends, I could be the most loyal, genuine, and supporting friend ever. And yet there are times where I trust too easily, and get hurt. I have a habit of making that same mistake over and over again, and for forgiving too easily. There are times when I don't know myself, but I'm going to try to sort it all out, and gain a new type of understanding, by writing it out here. So those who actually read this, don't be so quick to condemn or to judge, because I can barely figure it out myself. This is going to be a long process of self-realization, but as long as I don't give up, I'm sure that there will be progress, however big or small.

Now that I'm through with that for now, I'm just going to give a quick summary of what's been up during the time I haven't posted! I seriously hate not having my license or a car, because plans sometimes never work out 'cause people need to drive! ): Ahaaha, like for our little cocktail party over at Michelle's, or our little hangout with Mariel, Michelle, Melanie, Michael, etc.! Valentine's weekend was pretty fun though! Friday - out hanging out with Basic kids, and had a deep discussion with the Jessicas! Got Vday candy & flowers! Saturday - out for lunch w/ Dylan, received presents, one of which was sent via crosscountry by a certain special someone! :) Sunday - lunch w/ Chris, Jesse, Kevin, and Jen about the funniest and most explicit stuff ever -_- Ahaaha but it was all good! Then Joe took me home & we had a discussion about basically errthing! Monday - Trying to catch up with all my shit, but had a few friends over & just kickback'd. :) I love my weekends! Oh yeah, and the dad's coming back. I seriously need a new ipod (itouch!?) and a new camera, so I can start camera whoring like crazay again, & update everything on my blog and make it look all pretty! Yeee. Mkays, well that's about it. I just realized I've been ranting nonstop about meaningless nonsense for 857394534 minutes -_- Awesomeeee. But yeah. Be back with more updates & self-analyses! Mkays, on to Math now. :)

Finally, An Update!

2009-02-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've been pretty busy for the past few weeks, so sorry, no updates :( But now, I've decided to get my arse back up here & blog some more, because a lot of things have happened since then. For example, 2nd semester has started & things are actually going pretty well with mah' studies, except for the fact that my teachers are throwing massive shitfits & having mood swings randomly these days. -_- Okay, quick summary of what's been happening for the past, Idk, 2 or 3 weeks?

So basically, went out with Jordan, party at Chey's house! Hung out with friends that I haven't seen in forever, went out on little brunch dates & shopping expeditions, so that was superfun :) I've also been busy with my little music project, trying to finalize everything & stuff! Mm, joined in Jessica's Charity Fashion Show also, on the designer team along with Joe Ko, Rosalyn, Wilbur, & Mimi! It's going to be hella awesome :) Oh, & finally had an SWS reunion, w/ Sheila & Sharon! Went over to Sharon's house, where we were SUPPOSED to go jogging, but instead laid around like fatasses & tried on dresses, etc.! Then went over to Costco & did all these crazay random stuff, & then to Jamba Juice! I seriously missed those girls like crazy D: Pictures courtesy of camera whore Sharon!

Besides all that, this week kinda sucked. The Scarlet Letter was a serious drag, closereading 250+ pages like crazay! & the guys at CHHS have no balls or something, since all of them gossip like little girls with pussays. Seriously, grow the fuck up & get a pair. & there's this one particular chick, who needs to learn to keep her fucking mouth shut & not talk about things she doesn't know anything about. I'm normally a really nice person, unless you're like Adrien or something LMFAO! but when things concern me or my friends, I will turn crazy psycho bitch on you. People, we're going to go to college soon. We're not little fucking freshmen anymore, so don't you think it's time to grow up? Stop talking shit, because bitches who talk shit, get hit. & that's all I'm going to say about it, except for, don't be such a hypocrite & get involved in things that don't concern you, aight ? And get the fuck out of my school, & outta my life.

That's about it ! Hopefully next week will be hella better :) 3 day weekend, yeee! Friday, Amberlyn's 17th! Saturday, Coordinators' Meeting at Jessica's house, & hangout after! Sunday, music rehearsal for the group! & Monday, out with Mariel & others! Alright, have a fun weekend, & be safe!

Random Thoughts.

2009-01-16T15:52:00.000-08:00

It's Friday, guys! & you know what that means! Time to party it up & go all crazay to get over all the stresses of being in school and having to deal with crap you hate!

But now that it's practially the weekend, it's time to review what's up. What's going on with my life? Regrets, stress, uncertainty. I happen to be dealing with all 3 right now. While I was lying in my bed one night, I just thought to myself, I hate losing friends. I hate being a chronic underachiever. I hate feeling like I'm the only one trying to work things out, & then I just stop, because I get tired of it. I hate the feeling that I'm hurting everyone around me when I try to let go, try to be myself & then get into my retarded Multi-Personality Disorder, OCD, & pms. -_- I'm a pretty complicated person sometimes. Gah.

But yeah. After I went through all those depressing thoughts, I was like, then why not change something? I mean, I can't change everything by myself, even if I want to, but at least start somewhere! Like .. stop being all MPD & pms-y on people! Get your arse out of bed & start doing something meaningful with your life! The problem is though, that I'm hella lazy. Atleast it's not only me! :) Hahha. Yeah, that's no excuse. I guess I am going to have to try something out. -_-

Well, I'm going to get some food now, 'cause I'm hella hungry & I'm stuck at Total Learning. I seriously need a car. & a license! So until later, Toodles!

Fresh Start.

2009-01-13T23:09:00.000-08:00

Okay. First day of blogging! I have a feeling that this is probably going to be filled with the most useless & random things ever, but oh well! I pretty much decided to start this blog because I was hoping for this to become something of a self-realization page, 'cause I know that 92387429 days from now, I'm going to look back on this, and think, wtfrack!? screw that stupid high school crap -_- & think of myself as the most psychotic, and melodramatic kid ever! But until then, this is going to be pretty useful. Like distracting me from stupid useless crap, like homework. :)

So, Chhs has been pretty boring up until now. There's this pretty chill atmosphere with the kids, but the school's hella uptight. Like that gay no-standing-around and sit-like-you're-in-elementary-school thing that we had today that got started because there were some stupid cholos that decided it'd be funny to throw food & shiet across Center Ice. Practically every week. -_- APUSH & Physics are a pain in the arse, still. Finals next week! But atleast 3 day weekend's coming up, yeapp! Snowfest & Mariel's or Danica's house! Then massive study session because of stupid Scarlet Letter closereading and studying for finals. D: & maybe partaying! But it's probably time to cut that down, because no need to screw with your brain Junior year.

Well, that's it! My life is pretty boring these days. But I'll update soon with hopefully, pretty pictures to spruce up this uglyass plain blog, yeah!? Payce :)